"OK"

Aside from blasting music into my head while I lay in bed 24/7, I am making an attempt at running. A very poor attempt, but an attempt nonetheless. I made a resolution on New Years that I would run my first half-marathon this summer. I have less than four months to train for what is most likely the biggest feat ever accomplished in my life. It's not off to a good start, I must say. I have an average run of about 3/4 mile. That's kind of a problem. I was able to get to a mile today with little fuss, now I just gotta build up.

I get the best of both worlds, however, when I can clear my head while I suck wind and blast music. At least I am out doing something good for myself rather than laying and bed moping about the shit that normally has me spinning.

It's a much better day today, though. I woke up and felt like things were going to be ok. Granted, "ok" is relative to different people. Sometimes it's just getting out of bed, for other's it's being able to make it all day without crying. My "ok" days have been limited in these last few weeks and all I have done is cry and pout. If only I could let it go.

I have a bad problem with letting things go. We'll tackle all of these one post at a time.
 #1. I can't let him go. A somewhat cliche high school girl problem. My situation is an insanely different situation from the storybook high school girl. Us, as a pair, was no typical high school relationship-I know that sounds wildly naive, but we were different -or- I like to think we were. There's something about this kid...I can't even put it into words why I am so fascinated, intimidated and, dare I say, love him? I use that lighter than he does, but he is much more of a romantic than I am, so I give him the benefit of the doubt. It can get kinda heavy with the love-talk, but it makes me feel somewhat important. I am a no-roses-and-teddy-bears kinda girl. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to receive flowers. Never have before, but I am sure it's a wonderful feeling--just...no roses. Much more of a simple person. I don't need fancy, shiny dinners and jewelry. I'd much rather prefer sweats and movies, while we stuff our faces with crap food and laugh. I am high-maintenance in too many other parts of my life, so a quiet, simple, romantic relationship works for me.

It's sorta my fault I haven't found out how to let him go and move on. Maybe it's that I can't and it's the universe not letting me forget what we were and what we could be. He's determined he has that all planned out and the future is imminent. I keep him hanging on for some reason. If only that could just slap me in the face. The purpose of this kid in my life...Why?? I have a fear that I am going to not have the freedom of being young and dumb.I am scared that I am letting my stupid adolescence run away and I am committing myself to a future that I am unsure about. I know we were something different, but I don't want to be a 20 year old relationship different.

There's something else though. It bothers me every day that I can't just hit the nail on the head. I am just swinging in the dark.
Maybe in writing, I will figure it out. Set things straight. Get my ducks in a row.
Until then, I should probably go shower. I kinda went ham at the gym today and don't need family complaints of the smell of rotting dead carcasses roses and unicorns.

It's really not that bad.

Here Goes Nothing.

I've attempted too many 'first post' paragraphs for too many blogs in my lifetime; I really haven't even been around that long. I get on a roll with blogging and talking, but then some "catastrophic" distraction hits my life and phew! it's out the window like that! This blog, hopefully, will be something I remember to write in...on...? and follow through with for a decent amount of time. Unlike my five other failed blogs. My goal is to post when I get a thought. Nothing scheduled. I am not really one that sticks to a planner. Go with the flow.

I am fascinated with the human brain, and more specifically, the subconscious. It's a real beast. Sometimes a burden. Beast of burden? But it's pretty bad ass regardless.

I wish [note: I wish to consider...I don't know if I am or not. It'd be nice to be] consider myself a radical thinker (on some things), but not much of a do-er. Now, whether that is because I spend more time in my head and not enough time with reality or if I am just a lazy teen remains a mystery, but I like to think that someday some one will find my ideas to be inspirational, life changing, blah blah blah. Otherwise it all just sounds like that. 

Ha, the fact that I am introducing myself in this is odd. I mean, I will more than likely be the only one to read this, ever. God bless anyone who does read this, though. Until then it's just me and my thoughts.

Here we go.